Monday 13 August 2012

In theory

In theory, I am trying to pass my driving test at the grand old age of what I shall not reveal except there is a 4 in it. I have been practising the theory test multiple choice questions online. Which are hilarious. One such option: “You are angry before driving. Should you A. Have an alcoholic drink to calm down.” I imagine in the 1970's this was the done thing. Knock back a Babycham before slapping the man with the handlebar moustaches and setting off in your Hillman Minx to misjudge a roundabout. This one was a hoot too: “You are approaching a pelican crossing. The lights are green but some elderly people are still crossing. Do you A. Rev your engine to get them to move faster? B. Hoot at them and wave your hands?” Thereby causing them to not be able to move on. Ever. This one made me laugh like a loon: “You are driving in the countryside. A man herding sheep asks you to stop. Do you A. Drive on because he has no authority?” Honestly no one has any respect for shepherds these days. I know, it’s childish, but I don't get out much. And I don't sleep so my brain has shrunk. My teenage son is always leaning down from his eyerie to tell me how childish I am.

Then there is the hazard perception test. In theory everything is a hazard. All pedestrians are likely to walk out into the road even the ones who are chatting or jogging along a path. Peds are like the enemy. Their every move must be anticipated. You have to hit your mouse button every time you see a hazard developing. A ped is a hazard who may develop into part of the road. Period. Hit that mouse. My husband usually drives hard at them and they run away. Being a parent requires 24/7 hazard perception, so I should be well trained. Look out! There is a ball rolling across your path, you may roll with it. Look out! You have had no sleep and therefore you have no spatial awareness nor awareness of any kind. Lookit! The baby is trying to crawl under the safety gate, he may become enmeshed! And so on. But most of the time you don't notice these things because you, yourself are actually in the throes of being a hazard.

It remains to be seen as to whether I pass this theory test. In theory, I will pitch up there early in the morning with 2 nippers in a buggy and a nervy au pair who is afraid of the buggy and frankly a little afraid of the kids. Turning up at all under these circumstances will be a pass in my eyes or a pass out. Operating the mouse in the correct way, rather than in a nervy jumpy cancelled out for pressing it too much when it was just the lack of sleep how did I get here jitters will be my second personal pass. Lookout!